I decided to check my xanga subscriptions on a whim...and realized that some people actually still blog everyday...which I find amazing.

A friend once told me that if he didn't know me at all, and happened to read my xanga, he'd think I was depressed or something....which, when you think about it, has some truth in it. It seems as if I only write when I'm wallowing in self-pity, feeling miserable, lonely or depressed. Which, unfortunately, is happening more and more frequently.

I have a massive headache right now. As in I can literally feel something pounding against my head.


I just really, really want 2008 to be over.

Honestly, at this moment, I really hate my life. I hate the person I've become, and the person I'm destined to be. I hate everything I'm doing and everything that I'm about to do. I hate that I'm stuck in a place that I hate doing things I don't like.

Forgive me for sounding like an ungrateful bitch - which I am, right now. I just wish that I could wake up with a clean slate and start all over. Wouldn't it be great if we could rewind our lives and erase the years? I'd make so many different decisions. So. freaking. many. And I sure as hell would not end up where I am now.

Childhood memories - back when the world was simple, and all that mattered were things like...

- The Babysitters Club, Little Sisters, Nancy Drew, and Goosebumps books

- Collecting pogs and playing with my tomagotchi

- Watching power rangers and wishing I could be the pink ranger, Kimberly

- Using "eeny, meeny, miny, moe" to solve any difficult decisions -

My biggest (irrational?) fear is that even if I try really hard at something, if I give it everything I've got...at the end of the day, I might still fail. Not only would the entire world finally realize how stupid I am, but I would come face-to-face with what I've been avoiding for years - that no matter how hard I try, I am in fact an idiot.

*

In reality, I am an extremely shallow person, even if it appears otherwise. I wish I had more depth, that I weren't so indifferent and apathetic to things. I used to think of myself as a semi-interesting person, and tried hard to fit the profile. But now I realize I'm far from being interesting, given that I lack the necessary intelligence and natural curiosity that enable a person to be considered even remotely interesting; often I skim the surface of many issues, but I never dig deeper to learn the details. Yet why am I trying so hard to appear otherwise? Is it a self-preservation thing? Am I hiding underneath my seemingly knowledge-thirsty, "law student" disguise, pretending that I'm constantly coming up with insightful thoughts so that I can feel better about myself? Or am I trying to live up to other people's standards of me? Most likely a mixture of both.

Perhaps life is a game of charades, and I'm playing the role of a person who is smart and taken seriously by people...only that I'm playing it badly. Or perhaps life is a deck of cards, and by some random chance, I was destined to become "an intelligent person", but nobody told me how to accomplish the task. Somewhere along the way, I've picked up little bits and pieces that have helped me build up a facade, but the inherent qualities needed for success are still missing. I'm like an over-decorated giftbox: glittery wrapping paper and colorful ribbons adorning the outside, but hollow on the inside. I've wasted all these years indulging in meaningless activities and allowing my brain to idle. The sad fact that remains is that I'm approaching twenty, and none the wiser or smarter.

I finally understand what it's like to feel stupid.

*

While wishing I had more depth, I also wish I were more simple, and that I knew less about this world and the many intricate ways in which it operates. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. You either know a lot, or you're better off not knowing anything at all.

A wonderful start to my oh-so-wonderful summer:
  
I failed part of my road test...but not because I can't drive. I did every shoulder check perfectly, performed perfect turns, basically did everything right. Rather, I failed my STREET portion of the road test because I "ran a yellow light" INSIDE hk school of motoring's stupid freaking premises AFTER Iwas nearly done my whole test and virtually just thirty feet away from the endpoint. Plus, it's not like I didn't see the yellow light, but with my (what apparently turns out to be wrong) judgment, I didn't stop because i thought that since I was practically halfway through the line I should just continue. And so the examiner stepped on his pedal, and flunked me.

In essence: HE FLUNKED ME BECAUSE OF A YELLOW LIGHT THAT I'D ALREADY HALFWAY CROSSED.

Aside from the injustice and irony of the entire situation - I KNOW I can drive properly, am in fact a good driver, even all the driving instructors I've had said so, and for chrissake I was drving AUTO - I'm forced to pay an extra $3000+ to take their lame classes and retake the test.

I think i'll go die now.